Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Worst Couple Days of Our Lives

Friday, March 4 started the worst day of my life. As I got up to get ready for work I realized I was bleeding a little bit, I know that some bleeding during pregnancy can be normal, but I didn't feel right about it. Unfortunately, it was 20 minutes before I was suppose to be at work so I pulled myself together and left for work. I was trying to hold myself together but the longer I was there the less I was able to accomplish that task. I finally told the charge nurse that I thought I was having a miscarriage and she sent me home around 10:30am. I came home and went back to bed until Mike was able to get home around 2:00pm. When Mike got home he made me call the doctors office and they told me if my bleeding got worse and if I stated cramping that I needed to head to the ER. As I went to bed on Friday night I had no cramping and the bleeding didn't seem to be getting any worse.

Saturday, March 5 around 3:00am I had the urge to go to the bathroom and that started the second worst day of my life. I started having severe cramps and my bleeding was out of control. I knew we were about to loose the baby we had worked so hard for. My biggest fear was coming true. Miscarriages run ramped in my family and I was hoping that I would be able to escape that fact at least until after my first baby was born. Around 4:00am my baby was gone. I was in physical pain and I felt as though my heart had been ripped from my chest, I was in so much pain. I had never experienced pain like that. I had always felt sympathy for people that had miscarriages but never understood what they went through until that precise moment. I went from an extreme high to an extreme low in a matter of 24 hours.

From the moment we started trying to get pregnant we prayed that my body would be able to carry the pregnancy and that everything would be ok with the baby. All we wanted was a health baby and for mom to be healthy too. I thought that since we were tried with the process of having a child that we would some how escape the startling statistic that more the 25% of pregnancies end in a miscarriage. When I found out I was pregnant I thought my trial was over. Throughout the process of trying to get pregnant people would always ask me would I rather not be pregnant or go through what could possibly be many miscarriages. My answer, I rather not be pregnant because I think a miscarriage would destroy me.

Mike kept me really busy the rest of Saturday in order to keep my mind off of the fact that we had just lost our baby. Saturday night came along and I realized my nephews baby blessing was the next day and thought I should tell my family before the blessing to ensure I would not take away from the joy of that day, so slowly but surely I told my family and relived that very painful hour every time the words came out of my mouth. People would ask me what they could do to help me and my answer was unless you can bring my baby back to me, there was nothing they could do.

I cried for days and days and nothing people said or did helped. I wanted my baby back and that was not possible.

Tuesday, March 8 was the first day I was alone at my house and alone with my thoughts. By the end of the day I literally was hiding in the back of my closest, covered by clothes and just wanted to be left alone. I am not usually a depressive person but the fact I was not pregnant anymore was eating me alive. I felt like I should be ok because Mike was not showing signs of being sad. Mike was telling people that I was ok, so people would not ask me how I was doing, so I should be ok right. Wrong! I was hurting and needed him to hurt too. I wanted someone to cry with and he was not crying. I wanted someone to feel the way I was feeling and didn't think Mike was feeling that way. I was sick of him being tough, I wanted him to be weak with me. How was I going to deal with this?

By Friday, March 11, I was starting to feel ok, time was passing and I was dealing with the fact that we would have to start again. Was time really helping me? It was, I was getting better every day. My friend Chellese texted me a song to listen to, she said that she would listen to it over and over again if she was dealing with something hard. So I downloaded the song and it quickly become my bedtime song, the song I listened to on my way to work, on lunch break, pretty much anytime that I felt I needed a little pick me up. You always hear that music is a powerful tool in changing emotions and it is so true. I felt like that song was written just for me and the funny thing is we listened to this song in college all the time and I was thinking about that song a few weeks before and could not remember the name of the song, Chellese was an answer to my prayers.

I don't think I am an outwardly spiritual person but I didn't know what I was suppose to be learning from this and the more and more I thought about it the only thing I could think of was, I needed to learn patience, I needed to trust in Heavenly Fathers plan and realize that He knows and sees more than I do, I needed to learn perseverance, and faith.

It has been one month and if I still think about the loose I went through I still cry and wish I was still caring a baby, but I know that someday we will be blessed with a baby and I know that we will love that baby more than we have ever loved anything before.

2 comments:

  1. Annesha! Oh my, I am so sorry for your loss. You are a strong person and will make it through this trial. I was thinking about you the other day, so when I saw your post on facebook I wanted to see what you were up to- hang in there! There are a lot of people that love you, and remember the Lord loves you too!

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  2. Annesha! I've been thinking about you a lot lately and decided to facebook stalk you, and came across your blog. Annesha, I am so sorry. That is one of the hardest things to have to go through. No one can say anything to take away the pain, and I remember how hard it was not to see Colby shed a tear. We girls just get a special attachment having that baby inside of us! I just wanted you to know that I love you tons, and that believe it or not, the pain does eventually subside. I remember feeling like I would never feel the same again. Keep your chin up girl, you will hold a baby in your arms one of these days soon. If you want to shoot me an email on facebook or whatever, I had an additional thought for you.

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